Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
