i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
