Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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