i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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