got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
