Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize