I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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