Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize