I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she told me i tasted like america
we're making bets on your personal life
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
