My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
