He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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