I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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