ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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