i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
