I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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