It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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