i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
