The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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