I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
