I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
