we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
