Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
