i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
