The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
