barbara walters just said penis...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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