I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Mom said you looked used
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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