My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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