im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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