Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
