if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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