When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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