alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
