i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
