Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
