if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize