You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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