you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
