My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
