between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
