I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize