when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Everclear isn't food dammit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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