guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
