after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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