I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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