anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
