life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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