Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and she was petting her beer can
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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