I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
