the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
