Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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