Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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