They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
