How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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