I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
