And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
