Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
