I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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