Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
