he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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