Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
