oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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