afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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