Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize