i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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