i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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