Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
