I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
